Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
