she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work