I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I need to calm my uterus...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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