Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Randomize
