I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
