can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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