Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
