is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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