She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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