im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
