Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
