"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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