lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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