What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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