nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
