fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
