That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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