They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
