I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
