I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
