I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
