Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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