I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
