it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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