It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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