So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
okay pat passed out under dana's car
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
