I met the friendliest cop last night
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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