I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
