There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
