it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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