my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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