i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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