there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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