it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
