I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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