Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think people are normalizing furries
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
