people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
