My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
