My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
