I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
