3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
