ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Small penises have feelings too.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
