i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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