dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
God, I missed his penis.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
