I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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