I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
