Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
