I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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