A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize
