...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
