if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
