I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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