Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
