im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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