I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
