I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
