i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
