So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
