Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Well I just put wine in my tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dick very happy bro
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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